Posted on April 19, 2017
There’s Always a Reason
How true! But it’s hard to be compassionate when someone is so difficult.
An ageing aunt of whom I was very fond, called me at five o’clock in the morning distressed because she was having difficulty breathing. As this wasn’t the first time, I told her to breathe slowly and deeply for five minutes and I would call her back to see how she was.
Two minutes later she called, wailing and screaming. She couldn’t breathe. She was going to die. I quickly pulled on a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a jumper, grabbed the car keys and made my way to her home. Fifteen minutes later I arrived and rung on the door bell, my heart racing, wondering if this would be the time she didn’t answer.
She answered.Thankfully! With a huge smile and a kiss she welcomed me in and asked if I would like some tea and toast. She was breathing just fine. I dragged my weary feet into the kitchen to find an elderly friend of hers and the next door neighbour, both looking tired and fed up, sipping from steaming cups of tea. I felt so angry at her inconsiderate behaviour. I had a full day’s work ahead and would undoubtedly be tired and grumpy. How could she not see how selfish she was behaving?
As the months passed she became increasingly difficult and, trust me, compassion didn’t get a look in. She was coherent and managed to wash, dress and cook for herself – in other words, OK! – but she would call late at night or early morning with some problem or other.
Then she began to fall on a regular basis but not really hurt herself. She would fall next to her chair or by her bed and say she was unable to get up. This, like the breathing episodes, usually occurred in the early hours of the morning. I knew that she felt lonely so I tried to spend more time with her during the day when I could, but I found it so hard to forgive her for the early morning and late night calls.
It wasn’t until she was admitted to hospital with a fractured wrist sustained during one of her falls that we discovered she had suffered a series of mini strokes. Lots of them over many months. These strokes were causing her to pass out and fall but then recover quite rapidly giving the impression she was well. They were also likely to be the cause of the irrational behaviour she displayed prior to admission to hospital.
Unfortunately she deteriorated rapidly and passed away within a few months. Looking back over that time I wish I had been more patient and compassionate. I am sorry I was not more understanding.
When there is no apparent reason for a person displaying difficult behaviour we can sometimes be unforgiving. I wish I had thought more about her and less about me. When adults and children are demanding and difficult there is almost always a reason. We just have to look for it.